I have touched on the Me-First Generation before in my opinion, and I am sorry if there are discrepancies between these two views or arguments, but I write everything in the moment and am not willing to loose my thought by taking time to interrupt the process to make sure everything agrees with anything written before.

    Back to the actually topic. This generation can be considered the me-first generation in my eyes, but exactly in what aspect. Does everyone want to be their own person and find themselves or do they want to fit in with the normal crowd and try to keep everyone else out? While some people claim to be searching for themselves and their individuality, I am getting the feeling that many people are actually going against their own claims and are just trying to make sure to fit in with what ever crowd or group they deem most important. This society proclaims itself to be one where the individual counts and people try to fight against the collective, and yet so many people strive to be part of something bigger than themselves because that is more important, and they may or may not realize that they are in fact loosing themselves in the process. I will admit my view is biased, because I do base most of my observations on people I know, and at least I hope some of them do not exemplify our generation as a whole.

    Throughout history there has been a cycle between the individual and collective-based society. During the 60s people gathered together to fight against the norm and strive for something better and more free. They did not want to be subjugating to their parents’ lives and wanted to rebel. In the late 80s and early 90s, teenagers gathered together in raves and did drugs (neither which I advocate) to feel as if they belonged to something bigger in the individual-based society. I do not think this society has truly fallen in the cycle yet.

    This is all hard for me to put into exact words. It just seems ironic that people who want to make it big or themselves still strive so badly to belong to some other group, while at the same time saying the exact opposite. In this view, certain people have their eye on a certain group and they strive to be accepted by it. So they try to fight their way and push anyone they need to aside, whether consciously or unconsciously, and try to get themselves there first, just like the child screaming “Me first! Me first!” when the ice cream comes out, and then they try to keep everyone else outside the group at bay so that no one else can encroach on the territory they just established, sometimes they even try to oust people out of the group if they feel like they may be a threat. They think they are making it big for themselves when they get into the group, but then they just become another person, without a face, without a true identity.

    I do not understand why people will push so hard to belong, when they can eventually find a place they can belong without trying, but then again, not everyone is not like me, a person who almost takes being called “weird” in some aspects as a compliment. I refuse to fight my way into a crowd, it does not seem worth it to put in so much time and effort to try to be one of the crowd. Do I want to be accepted? Yes, but by people that accept me for who I am, not ones that I have appease in one way or another.

    So even if this is a Me-First generation, do people really feel like they can do the best for themselves by associating with some larger group, or do they just crave to be accepted and are too scared to stand on their own? I have way too many thoughts to sort out right now to many any more sense of this in writing, if I even have made any sense of it so far. Take time to think about this, even if you totally disagree with me. We are human because we have that ability. Excuse me while I try to be an individual, even though there is no one else currently around.

    I know that college is the time to truly find and discover yourself and explore new things, but the farther I go, the less I am sure about myself. I do not really know who I am anymore, besides that for whatever reasons in the world there are people that don’t like me. I’m starting to wonder if I am really finding myself, or if I’m just trying to grasp onto something that seems to suit me. I want to be my own person and not rely on people around me for an identity, but it seems really hard when you don’t even have a real group to associate yourself with, even though that might seem oxymoronic. Should I be grateful that I have the chance to actually find my true self and not conform to other people’s views of me? But by the same token, part of what defines you is the people you associate and hang out with and currently I’m trying to reshape that aspect of my life. I will always have my high school friends and their fauxpaus, but I do not believe they really define for what I currently am, they define what I used to be, and I’m still friends with them, but I am more distant from many of them and don’t always feel like I fit in. Then there’s another group of us who are totally different, and yet totally the same that I know I will always be friends with to some extent. There are also some people who I’m reconnecting with who I never really hung out with during school, but we have grown similar over the years. Simply put though, I feel like my high school friends and current and future friends are in different categories, and you will always have those high school friends no matter who moves where and does what; you grew up with them for four years and that is a bond you will always share. However, now I feel like I do not have a bond with almost any of my current friends. All I know is that I do not fit in with most of them, so I know what I’m not to an extent, but I do not know what I am.

    In high school I had a pretty set identity: a ukie, part of BFG (our theater), cynical, sarcastic, and a music lover. Now there are so many other parts of my identity I need to figure out, like clothes even (I had a uniform until I got to college). It’s weird, sometimes I don’t wear certain things because I feel like I would be betraying myself, like I refuse to buy a North Face jacket, even though I really want a fleece, and I refuse to ever wear a polo, mainly because I think they’re annoying. Now I’m into like semi-emo, powerpop stuff, but not as tight as most, along with the occasional sweatshirt or top from Urban. But I don’t even have a concrete style, besides wearing a band t-shirt at least once a week with a sweat-jacket.

    Then there’s the whole thing about being a girl, which might seem weird, but hear me out. I’m a girl and I’m straight, but I’m not the girliest girl in the world and that is working for and against me. I am a theatre major, however, I am not an acting major; I am currently emphasizing in technical direction, which is pretty much figuring out how to build a set and make it all happen after the scenic designer designs it all. Sounds thrilling, right? But I like it. Anyways, it is a pretty male-dominated field, in fact, there aren’t even any current female grad students in the area at my school. I have worked in the scene shop and helped build, load-in, and strike sets now for three semesters and am known as a competent worker, but not always acknowledged as a “girl” but almost as one of the guys more often, especially to the guys I see only in the shop since they almost never see me in anything but work clothes. I was also the best student in one of my classes this semester, and I’m not being arrogant in that respect, there were only five of us and I almost always got the best grades. And in between the five of us, I was the only girl, so you would think this might increase my chances, right? Yeah, definitely not after I had to sit between two of the guys as one casually mentioned how he was “busy” and “entertaining” the night before so that he couldn’t get to sleep until after four, and it’s like, wow, obvisously not here. How I am supposed to keep my female identity as I take even more classes as the only girl, like next semester when I take metalwork and rigging, it doesn’t sound glamorous, but it’s something I should definitely have some knowledge about. The only reason I’m looking forward to it is because two of my favorite grad students are taking it with me. But as if I didn’t have any femininity left in the eyes of some, the rest is just gonna fly away.

    Whether any of this makes sense, I have no clue, but I just feel so lost. At this point the only thing that I can think of to semi-describe myself is Green Day’s “Basketcase”. The further I go, the more confused I become. I know that I don’t really need a label or belong to a “group” but it almost seems as if it would be so much easier, since then I could just mindlessly conform to a point and not have to discover myself. I have no clue who I am anymore, since I haven’t even felt like I can totally be me to everyone, I always have the fear of being judged, which I hate; I try so much not to care, I really don’t want to, but it’s really hard, especially when I make a total fool of myself, even if it might not seem that big a deal to most people. I feel like I’m think jumbled blur with a burst of color and clarity which occasionally catch someone’s eye before it gets dragged back into the rest of the grey blur.

    In today’s day in age almost everyone in the country is dependent on the technology of computers and the internet, except for a few hermits living in huts in the forest or out retired grandparents. It is very difficult to even imagine life without the internet, personally, I have no clue how I would survive and I have become so dependent on it, I honestly do not know how I would function without it. In school almost everything relies on computers and/or the internet: all papers need to be typed and formatted, assignments are sent through emails or posted on course websites, and research always needs to be done. Email seems to have become the primary source of communication now between teachers and their students; before it was if they didn’t mention it in class, they might post it on a board outside their office or they would have to mention it the next time. If a student ever had a question, they would have to come into office hours to have it answered, even if it was something as small as a spelling error in an assignment.

    I have been working on this bitch of a paper lately, I am nowhere even close to having enough sources, but without the internet at my finger tips I would not have even been able to find the few sources I have. It is amazing to be able to have access to the entire library catalogue at your fingertips, as well as access to thousands of otherwise unattainable journal articles. It wasn’t all that long ago that people were still dependent on card catalogues; I personally remember using them at the beginning of my high school career and in grammar school, but now I would not be able to find what I need with them. I have been do desperate in my attempts that I have been searching subjects through Wikipedia and then looking up the given sources for the article; websites like that, although not completely academically trustworthy, can at least be used as a starting point for research if no other option is available.

    I also think that some teachers are taking too much advantage of the internet and most people’s easy access to it; is it really too much to ask that they have the homework assignments before class, instead of emailing them Sunday night when they are due on Monday? I am sure they were capable of that before the internet was in such high use, and I do not understand why they are no longer physically able to do that. They were able to function without the internet, unlike my generation, and because they do take advantage of the internet so much, it is causing an even larger dependency for the students. I know that if I did not have to check my email for homework assignments constantly, I would probably be on the computer at least a 1/3 less that I currently am.

    Even though it is very convenient to have almost all of the knowledge of the world at your fingertips whenever you need it, I long for a simpler time without so much dependency on technology. So much precious time is wasted doing frivolous things like watching videos on youtube or looking at pictures on lolcatz. People are losing perspective on what life truly is, and are becoming overly involved with their cyber lives (ironically I’m writing this for the internet). But as much as I want to loose my dependency on computers and the web, at least while I am at school, I cannot without loosing contact with most of the academic world, and I probably will never be able to function long-term without it in today’s day and age.

(originally written 11/25/07)

     I have not been able to write lately because I have not really had the time and by the time I did, I had forgotten exactly what I wanted to write. Enough of excuses though.

    Last night I went to a concert at home of my favorite band, The Academy Is… Unfortunately, it was the not the best concert of their’s that I have seen; it wasn’t that they didn’t perform well, but I was a little preoccupied for most of the concerts and felt like I was fighting for my life. After the second band was finished, the kids near the front of the pit just started pushing every which way and they did not seem to understand that there was nowhere for people to move but they just kept pushing. This was the biggest concert of TAI I had ever seen in the biggest venue besides the Honda Civic Tour, and it was the most cramped I had ever been. In all honesty, I felt like my ribs were going to break. I always stay out of mosh pits and try to stay out of the general moshing of the pit sometimes, but this was insane. I could barely move of breather until after the fourth band when we decided we couldn’t take in anymore and fought our way to the side. We couldn’t see as well, but we could move and breathe.

   Nowadays when I go to concerts I feel pretty old, but most of the time in life I feel really young. I’m pretty sure I was older than most of the people around me, ranging from 1 to 7 years older. One of the things I did notice is that the pushiest and nastiest people were probably the ones from 14-16 years old, and maybe some younger ones too. Sometimes they were just plain nasty, one girl started pulling on the hair of the girl in front of her because she was taller; how immature is that? So many of these kids were fighting for no reason to get closer to the stage and didn’t care about anyone but themselves and the friends they were with. So what if people were being squished and could literally not move, they weren’t directly affected so they didn’t give it a second thought. Sure, almost everyone in the pit wanted to be front and center, but after a point people need to realize that’s just not going to happen and enjoy the concert from where they are.

    The sad thing is, in my opinion, that there is part of a generation that just has the me-first mentality and it doesn’t just apply to the pit at a concert. There have always been people like that in the world, but probably not as many. There are so many more influences now that lead to that mindset. It starts widespread in the kids about 2 years younger than me and trickles down to the even younger. One of the major influences I see is the television programming, much of which is just reality shows of priviledged and rich kids; shows like Laguna Beach, the Real Housewives of Orange County, and the Fab Life on VH1. Kids see this and think that they should have the same thing, even though they are probably worlds away from anything like how Lauren Hill lives. Kids are growing up constantly seeing the lives of celebrities when they are the most impressionable. So many parents also try to coddle their children and tell them they deserve the best, but from seeing everything on TV and in pop culture the kids don’t realize they have to work to get the best, they just feel like everything should be handed to them.

    The work ethic seems to be very slowly diminishing in our country. I’m not saying that we should be like some of the baby boomers, married to our work and doing everything we can to become CEO of that majors Forbes 500 company, but we should still try to work hard at what we do. Personally, from my limited personal experience, people around my age are not as lazy and coddled as people think; most people just want to do things untraditionally and don’t see how wearing a suit to work would help a good work environment compared to being comfortable in jeans. I feel like we still work, but many of the younger generation feel like they don’t have to and they deserve everything just handed to them. They have just become more and more selfish and more me-oriented. Everyone should take some time for themselves and allow themselves some personal indulgences from time to time to keep themselves sane and happy, but there’s more to life than that; but where is that depicted in current pop culture? It’s not, especially when heiresses like Paris Hilton are always in the public eye. Is there a way to right this wrong? Some parents might be unconsciously supporting this behavior, and some others have children that are so self-involved as it is that they will not take anything they don’t want to hear from their parents into consideration. I really hope that this trend doesn’t continue and that this situation isn’t as widespread as I think.

    Because of the fact that half the time I was at the concert I was getting beaten and pushed and squished, I was not able to enjoy the concert as much as I could have. During the first band who played before the concert technically started when everyone wasn’t there yet, I had fun. I was dancing and jumping and singing along with everyone else. I wasn’t the closest to the stage, but that didn’t matter. It was a little more crowded for the second band, but not too bad, and after that it continually got worse. I have seen The Academy Is… on multiple occasions already, three this year alone before yesterday and I have loved the experience every single time before, and if I had not seen them on this tour already I would have been very disappointed. They were amazing, and people were singing along and jumping, but it just didn’t feel the same. It wasn’t just people who genuinely love the band who have been with them for years or even just music lovers, it was people who went because they could. I just was not feeling the vibe I usually do at one of their concerts; maybe it was just because I was feeling so bad by the end of it. The band said it was probably the best experience they has ever had onstage, and yet their set seemed shorter than when I saw them on the first date of the tour, and this was the first concert of theirs besides at the Honda Civic Your, when the crowd didn’t even try to get an encore from them. Yeah, it was a really long show, but I just wasn’t feeling the love.

    As horrible as it is, I almost don’t want them to make it big. I’ve been listening to them and seeing them for the past 3 years and it’s been amazing; they would used to come out and say hi to the fans waiting outside the venue and have signings and were just nice guys, and now there are way too many people for them to do that anymore. They started a fan club so they could try to keep touch with some of their fans, but I feel bad for the kids that can’t join. I joined, and I wasn’t even able to go to the meet and greet yesterday which was supposedly rushed since there are so many members in Chicago. I’m happy for them and their success, and yet I’m jealous of it since they are no longer just my band. They are not huge yet, and are not headlining in arenas, but last night they played in a venue twice as big as their normal one and it sold out; that’s probably an amazing feeling for them, but I would rather be at a sold out show in a more intimate venue with people who truly care and feel the music. I’m not saying I’m one of those people whose lives where saved by their music, but it has touched me and I really appreciate it. I really hope that their new fans feel the same way, but I’m sure some of them don’t even really listen to the lyrics. I am not yet going to go as far as to say that they are selling out and only care about the money, but I do hope they don’t go down that path.

    For once though, I would like to be in their position, but starting to make it big and having thousands of fans, but to just be in an amazing band. If I can feel amazing during most of their shows from feeding off of their energy and the energy of the crowd, I can’t imagine the rush they get actually performing. I would love to be onstage and perform to a responsive crowd like last night’s, where at least a third of the people are singing along, or even at a smaller venue where everyone is singing along. To know that people actually love your music and appreciate it must be a great feeling. That’s not the only reason I want to be a musician, but that would be an amazing perk to the job. Maybe one day, but I can’t even play an instrument yet and my singing voice is not that great. Until the day I can be part of a band and be a musician, not even a great one, just one, and probably even after that day I will still be living in other people’s music and hopefully the next time I go to a concert to live in the music, I won’t be beaten alive and fear getting a broken rib.

    hello everyone. as you have probably seen by my journal's title, i am a college student and am using this journal to write on my observations and musings about pretty much everything and anything. i have had a lot i've wanted to write about since i have started this, but i just have not had the time. besides just being a college student, i also want to be a musician. at this point, i do not play an instrument besids a guitar hero guitar and do not seem to have any amazing musical talent, but i love music and would love to be a part of it. going to concerts are one of my favorite pastimes and i am slowly, but surely exploring new and old music and trying to broaden my musical horizons.

    but onto the main topic of drama. everyone says that drama dissapates once you graduate high school, in my experience that has not been true. maybe it has just been some of the people i have been associating with. many of the trends of high school drama continue, but they tend to take on a different shape as people get older. 

    you would think that the whole boy/girl drama would dissipate somewhat, but it does not. there is not so much of an issue of mud-slinging and rumors, but a case of stupidity. rumors can sometimes get started within a certain group of people, but they can almost never get to everyone at the school, especially in such a huge state school as i attend, yet  the rumor can still have the same effect on a person's ego if 30 people know it in college, as if 300 people knew it in high school. earning a bad reputation within a group, I feel, is much easier to achieve in college than high school. people are put in many more extreme situations than in college, and often times, alchohol and other substances are more readily and more frequently available which tend to influence some people's decisions rather badly, especially when they don't remember what they did the next day. other times they do remember and can carry the guilt or just nasty feeling on for a while, dragging down their self-esteem.

    coming from a girl's perspective, you would also think that guys may have matured somewhat after entering college, but most of the time that is not quite the case. instead of just playing the field, many guys just want to get laid as many time as they can and get a hot piece of ass. i'm not really looking for a serious relationship or anything right now, but i at least want to be respected by guys and noticed as an actual person. every once in a while you get lucky and meet a decent guy, but then you never run into him again. and it seems as soon as your faith in college guys in somewhat renewed, someone else has to come by and destroy it again. besides that college boys can also just be stupid, seriously, how is a girl supposed to actually understand anything a guy does. you might think a guy is flirting and being genuinely interested, and after you get your hopes up you find out that's just his personality and he's like that with everyone. then there are also the guys that get so drunk by the end of a night, that they can;t remember anyone they met and anything they did the night before, or sometimes just pretend like they don't know you the next day because they acted like such asses. i wish that guys could just grow up and be normal. they don't have to be serious, but at least considerate. i'm not saying that some girls aren't at fault as well, some do attract negative attention in the way they act, but guys have to understand not all girls are like that. i have not lost all faith, but it is hard when i know i'm going to have to go through so many pervs and creeps to find the good guys, i sometimes get discouraged and don't even feel like going out on the weekends because i don't want to deal with those guys.

     all the random girl drama from high school can also still be present. this one is jealous of that one because all the guys call her to hang out, the other one is jealou of another always getting noticed, and others can sometimes be passive aggressive for no reason. the need to be accepted in a group of girls is also very evident in some. whether they realize it or not, sometimes they will leave out members of the group that they may feel threatened by or may not simply like. it's back to group dynamic of high school, but the power is not necessarily centered in one person. it is no longer quite as big a popular point anymore, but reflects more of each individual's personality to how they fit into the group, and some people tend to be the magentic personality that waits to be called, and others are those who constantly strive to be accepted. there are many grey areas in between these two extremes, and then there are some people that are not the center of the attention, but because they do not feel the need to suck up they are either forgetten or left out some of the time because they are more competiton for others to gain attention and they are not great enough beacons that their lost presence will be felt. 

    this is just a small sampling of my many thoughts, and has been observed through some of my own experiences, as well as others and random observations. i hope to keep writing here, and maybe someone will actually read some of this. thank you for your time and good night.